So right now, Santa’s sitting in front of a crackling fire somewhere near the North Pole with his boots up, hot cocoa at his side, maybe munching on some reindeer jerky (so wrong, I know) making his list and checking it twice. I have to admit, I was pretty ornery as a kid and probably ended up on the “naughty” list more often than the “nice” one.
In fact, I was afraid that Santa would have to make up a new list just for me, since “naughty” didn’t really fit the things I would do to my poor younger brothers to get them in trouble. Things like tickling the one with the weak bladder expressly to make him wet on the carpet, or having them ring the doorbell of one of our neighbors and run away over and over until the neighbor called my Mom to rat him out. I also got a kick out of drawing pictures in my brothers’ little kid “style” on walls with markers so they’d get in trouble for it and then for lying about it too, since the stick figure was obviously the work of a second grade artist, not a grown up sixth grader like me who wouldn’t dream of writing on the walls. Often I’d be the one who told on them, too. Good times, good times.
Now that I’m significantly older than 12, I’ve left most of my naughty behavior behind. I rarely pick on my “little” brothers (since they’re all over 6 feet tall and I’m only 5’4). I don’t lie, cheat or steal, I don’t smoke, take recreational drugs or drink and drive and I do my best to follow through on promises I make to my kids. But I’m no paragon of virtue, either. Sometimes my ornery side comes out to play and I’m afraid that once again this year I’ve probably landed on the naughty side of Santa’s list. Here’s why:
Deceptive emails. I used to send my husband emails asking him to bring home milk or bread or whatever on his way home from work, but he would often tell me he didn’t see the email. Yeah, right. That’s when I started titling my emails more creatively. It’s amazing how much faster a man will open an email titled “Hot Naked Lesbians” versus “Please Stop for Milk”.
Abuse of the US Postal System. The PTO at my kids’ elementary school are fundraising whores. Seriously. Every month they have some sort of sale or fundraiser or product they want you to schlep around selling. They even charge parents admission to the Christmas program in which our own kids are performing!! After the first one or two campaigns, I decided we just were not going to participate any more. I mean, that’s why I pay property taxes, right? Last spring, after no less than TEN such fundraisers, the kids each brought home a book of 10 postcards that we were supposed to fill out with all of our friends’ and family members’ names so that the school could spam them with catalogs full of junk they wanted to guilt them into buying. I informed the kids that we would not be participating and some of the kids started to cry because they had been so pumped up at school with the promise of a fabulous prize if they returned the postcards the next day.
It made me really angry that the PTO would use emotional blackmail to make a buck, so I sat down and filled out all 40 post cards. I don’t know if Bruce Wayne, Homer Simpson, Peter Parker or Elvis Presley ordered anything once they received their catalogs in the mail, but my kids got their “fabulous” prizes (a bouncy ball) the following day and I didn’t feel bad at all.
I write naughty books. Sedate, conservative Bible-belt, Cub Scout Leader by day, naughty erotic romance writer by night. I can’t help it. I’ve always had a dirty mind and have loved reading romance since I was a teen, so erotic romance is the perfect fit for me. I love my family and love being a mom, but sometimes it’s nice to remember just how naughty I can be…on the page, of course 
I had a fantastic time writing about a sexy Christmas elf making one woman’s naughty Christmas wish come true in my upcoming Whispers release, titled, strangely enough, “Naughty” (Look for it on December 16th). Seriously, a tall dark and handsome not-quite-a-man with a bit of magic and the will to make all of your wishes come true? Oh, yeah. I’ll take two.
So those are my naughty bits for the year. How about you? Are you on Santa’s “naughty” list this year or the “nice” list?
Don’t forget to leave a comment to be entered in our Coffee and Cream extravaganza and the chance to win fabulous prizes! At the end of the contest, I’ll be sending the winner a “Naughty” prize basket containing all sorts of deliciously naughty items! Plus, I’m taking over the Whispers Facebook page on December 17th and will have lots of fun things to share there. You can also visit me online at www.bethanymichaels.com. See you then!
Bethany
HEY! I’m a conservative, church-going (though not Bible-belt living) mom by day, erotic romance author by night, too. Go us!
Loved your list.
I think I prefer being on the “naughty” list. I no longer do fundraisers, because the kids didn’t sell I usually took the order forms to work. Having to track people down to collect money is not cool, so I said no more. I’ll donate baked goods, paper products and my time, but no more fundraisers.
Exactly–I do the fundraisers for scouts because that’s outside of school and the only way we can fund our activities and awards, but for the school in general, no. I do volunteer my time, as you said, when I have it to give, or donate things to the individual classrooms instead.
I laughed out loud at the new way to get your husband to buy some milk. LOLOL Definitely creative.
It only took me 10 years of marriage to figure it out
The first day I did that he came home (with the milk) and told me I was a tease. I have sent him pictures of sexy underwear laid out on our bed with the request to buy milk. It was appreciated 
Mysti–It’s kind of fun leading a double life–having a secret
I’ll admit, I, too, laughed out loud at the sneaky way to get your husband to buy milk, Bethany. It definitely shows your creative side. And you were definitely on Santa’s naughty list when you were a child. It’s a wonder your brothers weren’t traumatized! LOL
Dawn
Oh, I know. I just hope they forgot some of that stuff.
You sure were mean to those brothers. Reminds me when my sisters played cowboys and Indians. my oldest sister and I tied up my middle sister, the cowboy, and rode away on our horses. My mother usually came out and untied her after she screamed for several minutes. She probably thought my sister will get a clue that the cowboys never won at our house, but she never did.
That’s funny! It’s probably good I didn’t have access to any rope, LOL. I did make them sit and let me do their hair, though, since I didn’t have any sisters.
LOL. I enjoyed the post , and I know I’m on the naughty list since last Dec. when I quit my job at a world wide retail chain. I had had enough of managements double speak, and told them to take the job and call someone who cares. Being spoke down to by someone who is younger than you are by a significant amount of years is degrading especially when they haven’t been in the work force long at all, and they graduated and went straight to management. Oh those of little experience know nothing especially when they are half your age. Me bad…*S*
Wishing you all a Happy Holiday Season, and a Happy New Year!
pommawolf @ hotmail.com
You don’t know how many times I’ve fantasized about doing just that! It seems like the older I get hte less tolerance for corporate BS I have!
Very creative way to get your husband to get the milk. lol. I’ve been naughty this year, I read all these erotic books from fabulous authors.
Guess I’ll be getting coal in my stocking.
Oh well. Being naughty is MUCH more fun
OMG your a god to me . I hate those post card fundraisers . I wonder if bruce willis would mind getting 2 more postcards next year rofl
meandi09@yahoo.com
It probably wasn’t the best example for my kids, but dang those people made me mad! I wouldn’t have done it if they hadn’t pulled all the kids out of class to go to a school assembly to get them all excited about the fundraiser. I understand that schools have tight budgets, but this one just overdoes the fundraising!
lol lol Great post. Your poor brothers.
It’s amazing how men can relate to say …..SEX ? LOL LOL That was the way of it when I sent emails to my old man. lol. Thanks for sharing with us. I think I’m on the Good list because this year I’ve led a Boring life. lol
Carol L
Lucky4750 (at) aol (dot) com
Oh, I know what you mean about men and sex. Men will do ANYTHING for it–or even just a boob flash. Crazy.
I used almost the same ploy at my son’s school, only I put the addresses of the PTA members on the cards. =} Just my way of saying thank you. When they asked why I explained that we didn’t have a lot of friends and family to send them to and I didn’t think they’d mind since it was for a good cause… We never had that kind of a fund raiser again, it was back to candy bars the next year.
I LOVE that. Will keep that in mind for next year
Mwaaah haa haa!
*raises hand* Naughty List here… there’s a ‘library’ on my Kindle called ‘smut’. It’s got MANY more titles than the Young Adult category or the Classics category. Interesting though… I read my ‘smut’ books faster than my kids read their YA books (since I pre-read their titles, it’s important to know where they are in their books) *boggle*
My Nook is filled with naughty books. I do keep a “safe” book on there, though, because people are always asking me about my e-reader in the doctor’s office, cub scouts, the park, etc. and I want to have something to show them that won’t get me arrested here in the Bible-belt.
Well…I admit it. I’ve been naughty…and it’s been MUCH more fun! I may be getting coal in my stocking…but, that’s ok. I have lot’s of books to read to take up my time! LOL!
barbbattaglia at yahoo dot com
I agree. I spent a lot of years as an adult trying to fit in tot he Mom mold and be what I thought a good parent/wife/employee should be. Then I said “the hell with it”, and started writing erotic romance
Very liberating. And fun!
i live in apt complex and when the school has some stuff going on they hit up all here and hope they can get you get the stuff we had 5 kid in family but the kid were in differnt school mom and dad took the stuff
to the bowling alley and then dad took to work he drove truck around town so the people would buy it form us
It’s hard–the parents usually end up doing most of the selling. I didn’t realize that until I became a parent!
Have not participated in fundraisers since I was in school and I just gave the form to my mother to take to work. I buy Girl Scout cookies and just donate them to the troops since who needs more than one box at a time.
That’s a great idea! Boy Scouts also do a thing where you can buy the popcorn they’re selling and donate it to troops stationed overseas. The Boy Scouts get part of the money and the service members get the goodies. And you spend less time on the treadmill burning off the calories. Win-win-win
I am so going to use that the next time I need my husband to pick me up a few things lol.That is just brilliant
flanagan@Mebtel.net
It only took me 10 years of marriage to figure that out!
LOL..Being Naughty is just more fun!! Your absolutely right though about the fun raisers. They should just send the forms addressed to the parents!!!! I love the milk idea!! Think it would work with kitty litter? LOL!!!!
Naughty list please!!!!!
Oh. My. Gosh. I almost snorted my coke (the beverage.. not the powdered stuff, LOL) from my nose when I read the Deceptive E-mails portion. Had to share that with the girls at the office..
It’s always the quiet ones you have to watch out for you know…
Keep ‘em coming!
I am all for being on the naughty list. It can be so much fun.
mythic021@gmail.com
I am probably on the naughty list, I try but I just can’t control my snarky comments, lol
~Brandy
brandyzbooks at yahoo dot com
I’m always on the naughty list. I can’t ever seem to behave for more than five minutes. One second I’m all prim and proper and the next I open my mouth and something terrible comes out. Today my husband asked me to make him cookies before he went to work a 12 hour shift. I told him “Fine I’ll make your damn cookies of destruction but the next time you make them yourself or I’ll be forced to end you in a very creative way involving said cookies.” Keep in mind I hadn’t slept the night before, am out of chocolate and trying to curb some serious pms.
Your book sounds like just the thing I need to mellow out and behave at least outwardly for a day
lol I loved your post! What you did to your brothers…My sister and i used to pick on my brother horriblely. We’d give him swirlies, dress him as a girl, pants him (especially during winter and lock him outside), the list goes on. We were horrible kids. lol I love how you had your husband buy the milk.
Im definitely on the naughty list. And i especially love my smutty authors and there books! 
Thanks for sharing! Happy holidays!
shadowluvs2read(at)gmail(dot)com
If this is naughtiness I think I shall take a page from your book and be more naughty next year.
Great post Bethany!